Malmo and Moss Eats: Cornish Coastal Cafe Guide

Beaching and Eating Our Way Around Cornwall

"What are your hobbies" was one of my least favourite graduate job application questions to answer.  Having spent the preceding 3 years as a student, the truthful answer was: bellowing along to Britney/S Club 7/Steps whilst dancing on sofas in the union bar, discovering that when you mix Baileys and Sambuca in a shot it creates a drink akin to vomit suspended in petrol and speculating with my mates about which of our law lecturers might have the biggest dick. None of the above are obviously application form appropriate, so the extracurricular activities I listed instead were: President and Founder of the University Parachute Society (this was true although we never made it out of the union let alone out of a plane) and long distance running (I did the 5 mile Junior Great North Run twice and my unusual running style caused a spectator to comment that "the poor lass looks like she needs a poo.").  Now in my thirties with 3 kids, I don't tend to get asked this question in interviews anymore.  Probably because people assume (correctly) that my pastimes would mainly include wiping bums, trying to stop the baby ingesting lego and/or poo from the toilet brush and/or the cat's food (3 of his favourite snacks) and researching ways to remove smeared banana from my crotch so that it doesn't constantly look like I have an aggressive case of thrush.  However, on the rare occasion when I don't have a wet wipe in my hand, one of my favourite things to do is head to the beach.  A beach with a nice cafe nearby is pretty much my idea of heaven.  Our recent trip to Cornwall offered several opportunities to develop this hobby further.  Here were a few of my favourite finds for any fellow beach/cafe/beach+cafe enthusiasts.

Tintagel and the English Heritage Beach Cafe

75% of our holiday arguments are caused by my husband trying to park at least 5 miles away from the place we are actually trying to visit.  If we were visiting Paris he would want to park in Cannes. So when we drove into Tintagel and he attempted to prematurely spunk his parking load on a patch of hard standing near some fields, a tense stand off ensued.  Gallingly for me, it turned out that for once we were actually at the closest car park so I had to spit out an apology on our way down to the castle, beach and cafe.  However, it is hard to hold on to petty parking gripes for long when you are looking at this kind of scenery.

I chose the Cafe & Haven over Church and the Coastal Path (sorry God)

Gorgeously brooding coastline

Don't look down!

There is a beach at Tintagel but, in truth, it is not really the star of the show.  Nobody puts a 12th Century Castle where King Arthur was allegedly conceived in the corner. Exploring the ruins of that castle and trying to work out where the royal romping happened affords you stunning views of the windswept coastline. When you are done with the jaw dropping scenery with a side helping of history, it would seem that someone at English Heritage got the modern rustic memo when it came to refurbishing the cafe.  It is like stepping inside a crofters cottage if Tom Ford had taken up crofting.  It is a stylish mix of white washed walls, flagstone floors, ercol chairs, on trend distressed wood cladding, copper lighting and black and white photography.   On a cold windy day you can warm up with a tea and scone inside and on a gloriously sunny day like the one when we visited, grab an icecream and soak up the sun and the views on a picnic table outside. 

Can just imagine Tom in a cable knit jumper looking all brooding in this doorway

I loved the flag stone floors, whitewashed walls and ercol style chairs.

A coachload of pensioners had cleared out the plain scones before we arrived

Watergate Bay and The Beach Hut, Zacry's and Fifteen

Watergate Bay was about 15 minutes around the coast from where we were staying at The Sheepshed and is both a mecca for surfers and well heeled holiday makers called Rufus.  I can't claim it is an undiscovered spot by any stretch of the imagination but for a DFL like myself, the expansive beach and contemporary coastal stylings of the Watergate Bay Hotel were manna from heaven.  When we last visited this part of Cornwall, the owners of the hotel had only just started to redevelop it from its previous incarnation as a slightly tired old family hotel.  

The hotel has also taken over and revamped the old Beach Cafe which is now called the Beach Hut and boasts stylish interiors that I would describe as Coastal Industrial Rustic Luxe! There are cosy corners with banquettes, long wooden tables and a menu they describe as "contemporary British Seaside" which in practice means a mix of burgers, seafood and pasta.

There is lots to like about the hotel itself, it is smart without being stuffy and the interiors are coastal without feeling at all nautical cliche.  You can eat either in the bar bit (called the Living Space) which has the show stopping views over the sea, or, in the slightly more upscale Zacry's.  If you have kids I would say go with the Living Space as we ate in Zacry's and it doesn't have a kids menu which meant a lot of time scouring the menu for something that wouldn't have  butternut squash or spinach or similar incendiary ingredients in it (hats off to you if your kids eat those things without resembling John McEnroe when a line call hasn't gone his way). The benefit of eating in Zacrys is, however, that it has a very cool chevron floor that makes great #Ihavethisthingwithfloors fodder.  I didn't manage to get a very decent pic of it though as my 1 year old had caught sight of a nice big staircase in the lobby on the way in and spent the entire meal trying to escape the table to make an attempt at scaling Stair Everest.

I loved the use of mustard tones to bring the coastal decor bang up to date.

Apologies for the pic of a random man. I was willing him to go to the loo so I could take better pic but he seemed to have an iron bladder.

I would love to come back and stay here some day as it is really well set up for families with an infinity swimming pool, kids club and plenty of other activities on offer.  To be honest I was kind of wishing I could trade places with Max (age 8) who was there on an all expenses paid free trip with his mum and dad.   Whilst I was supervising baby Ranulph Fiennes  I overheard Max being told off for not being" a good friend" to his dad by refusing to go to bed thus impinging on the time that Dad could spend in the bar drinking free Champagne.  Not cool Max, not cool.  Unfortunately, in the absence of someone offering me an all expenses paid trip, I had to settle for a buying a couple of nice cups and this Cornwall guide from the mini shop in the Hotel lobby.  Luckily the stunning views on the drive home were free.

Rather more stylish than the average Lonely Planet!

Porthcothan and the Portcothan Stores

Porthcothan beach was the closest to the Sheepshed where we were staying and is much more low-key than some of the bigger ritzier beaches like Watergate Bay.  I would like to say it is my undiscovered gem, but I think, in truth, the weather on the days we visited was just a bit shit and therefore most sane people were probably just somewhere indoors with a hot chocolate rather than freezing their tits off playing cricket and cops and robbers on the beach like us. It is a lovely little beach backed by sand dunes in a small hamlet of houses that is not at all touristy.  The only shop is the Porthcothan Bay Store which is also a cafe and was taken over in 2016 by a young, bouncy and enthusiastic couple called Barney and Emma.  It has a good mix of things you need (like deodrant and calpol) along with a very tempting things that your waistline really doesn't need but which you can wear elasticated pants on holiday and eat anyway.  So we had very un-Deliciously Ella lunches of Chough Bakery Sausage Rolls and Monster Munch crisps washed down with decent coffee and Cornish tea before embarking on chasers of Roskillys icecream.  There is also a little annex that sells everything that we land locked Londoners always forget to bring to the beach like windbreaks, buckets, spades, balls, beach mats and the like.

Godrevy and The Hut

Godrevy beach is located at the bottom of the North Cornwall Coast around the corner from St Ives.  I have never been to Cape Cod but something about Godrevy made me think of massechutes (if you are looking for a new drinking game, try and get someone to spell Masscetchutes and makes them take a shot everytime they get it wrong.  I tried 11 different combinations before I gave up and spell checked it!).  It has huge sweeping wide flat beaches which are then bordered by rocky outreaches beyond which there is a lighthouse. Our kids loved going exploring across the rocks and looking for creatures in the many rockpools. There is also a really great cafe for when you are done with your Martha's Vineyard fantasy.  It is a bit like I suspect the Hidden Hut on Rosevine beach was 7 years ago.  Before, that is, it became a siren call for all middle class people on holiday in Cornwall meaning you now have to queue up for at least 45 mins to get your fix of artisan bread.  Although obvs come August I will be up there with my Observer Reading elbows at the ready ready to fight for the last falafel, Godrevy offers same great food with a bit less fanfare.  I would love to go back and go to one of their feast evenings this Summer.  

So there you have it, my favourite places to inhale clotted cream and look out to sea.  Will be heading back to Cornwall this week with my elasticated waist trousers ready to bring you more coastal cafe classics.

Malmo & Moss Sleeps: Lyme Regis

Malmo & Moss Goes Jurassic

The last time I went to Dorset I was 9 years old and spent almost the entire time in the garden of our holiday house racing snails with my sister.  I therefore can’t remember much about Durdledoor or the rest of the Jurassic Coast but I do recall that I found the Ferrari of the snail world who frequently reduced my sister to tears as he accelerated (in snail terms) past her slippery chap who badly needed an injection of snail steroids. This Easter, having put those heady snail racing days behind me, I returned to Dorest with my in-laws

Where We Stayed

We booked a great Air BnB about 5 miles away from Lyme Regis.  Kerb appeal wise from the front it was not exactly a stunner, situated across a narrow road from a working farm, operated by a farmer who would probably not have been chosen to front a Duchy of Cornwall campaign on account of having only 3 front teeth and more hair coming out of his ears than I have on my head.  It looked more the kind of place to be cordoned off by DEFRA for starting a foot & mouth outbreak than to feature in a soft focus segment on lambing on Countryfile.  However, the rear and inside of the cottage were a very different story.

Best viewed from behind, the cottage that is.

Once we got inside all thoughts of Foot & Mouth were forgotten

Wellies were helpfully left for us Down From Londoners

The Interiors

With 7 bedrooms in total (3 doubles, 3 singles and one with bunk beds) it was once two old workers cottages knocked into one with oodles of period features but decorated with a modern twist with great vintage, statement wallpapers and bold colour choices.  The real showstopper was the master suite which was painted a gorgeous dark green which had me mentally scouring a farrow & ball colour chart to work out which shade it was. Green Smoke was the insta consensus.  I wonder if doctors trying to diagnose dementia in middle class patients use some sort of system based on how many Farrow & Ball colours you can still name?

We won the coin toss for the master suite, the first and only time I have congratulated my husband on being a Class A tosser

Gorgeous light flooded in through the old crittal style windows

A vintage mirror wall never gets old for me

I would never have thought to go for a raspberry headboard but it worked so well against the green with the colour picked out in the picture tooo

I wonder if doctors trying to diagnose dementia in middle class patients use some sort of system based on how many Farrow & Ball colours you can still name? At the foot of the gorgeous raspberry coloured bed was a roll top bath with stunning rattan pendant lights hanging overhead.  Downstairs there was a lovely big dining table for family meals, a snug living room with woodburner and then upstairs there was another big family room.  If I had any criticism it would be the carpets which were obviously next on the list of jobs to do but in meantime added a weirdly fusty air to proceedings. 

The second bedroom, not too shabby either!

White with lots of great colour pops in the kids rooms

This was the lovely downstairs snug area with a woodburner and a massive stack of back issues of Living Etc

The main living room which was painted downpipe with the slightly retirement home carpets.

However, the garden more than made up for any carpet based disappointment.  It was huge and had a sea view over rolling fields (with the abundantly ear haired farmer often strolling past with a herd of sheep).  It had a built in trampoline and separate den area with two brilliant treehouses.  We enjoyed speculating Lloyd Grossman style “who lived in a house like this” and concluded that they were a London couple from the arts, possibly theatre designers, based mainly on the presence of several feather boas which, in truth, could equally have indicated they belonged to a burlesque troop.

Sunset and the occasional view of a hairy earred farmer

The brilliant kids play area

The drop from the ladders did cause a phew sphincter tightening parenting moments

Places to Go

The Rousdon Village Bakery

Anyone looking to book it should make sure to pack a pair of elasticated waist trousers in their luggage as it is a hop and skip away from the Rousdon Street Bakery.

The artist formerly know as Rousdon Petrol Station

Where the orgasmic bacon sandwich magic happened

Need i say more?

Bear with me when I say it is in a former petrol station, I promise it is not a case of perching on a disused petrol can whilst eating a stale Ginsters. It has been converted into a light modern space with big communal tables and serves, hands down, the best bacon sandwich I have ever tasted.  Served on fried brioche bread, I think it might have caused me to suffer my first bacon induced orgasm.  There is also a nice shop next door selling textiles and ceramics when you have finally concluded, for the sake of your coronary arteries that two bacon sandwiches in one day would be too much.  If you get a second wind you can also pop to the sister branch in Lyme Regis called the Town Mill Bakery. 

Lyme Regis

View from the Cobb

We loved the slightly old fashioned charm to Lyme Regis.  The sandy beach to the west of the town centre is overlooked by lovely pastel coloured beach huts and it is a great spot to grab some fish and chips from Herbies before one of you causes the RNLI to come and rescue the 11,151st person to fall into the sea whilst have a little French Lietenants Woman moment on the Cobb. 

Ryder & Hope

I also discovered a rather nice little interiors shop called Ryder & Hope at the top of the High Street whilst my son was blowing his holiday money on an allegedly pre-historic shark’s tooth.  It stocks a very insta pleasing mix of botantical inspired products, gorgeous textiles, candles and interiors books.  I particularly loved their display shelving made of reclaimed scaffold planks & copper piping. 

Never has a dusky beach bathroom suite looked so good

Clever coppoer pipe shelving solutions

Bridport Brocante

Further afield, Bridport and the Broadchurch featuring beaches of Burton Bradstock and Westbay are both worth a trip although the single lane A35 is prone to the type of slow moving tailbacks that may cause your children to ask what “cunting caravans” are.  If you visit Bridport on a Saturday it plays host to an open air vintage/flea market with all of the bric a brac shops also joining in which is located in the shadow of an old mill. 

This was my favourite stall

Loved this old dolly tub but not enough to try and persuade Mr Malmo to strap it to the roof to get it home

Soulshine Cafe

Having been tasked with finding a café for lunch whilst we browsed the market, the men unexpectedly came up trumps with the Soulshine Café (although they did later confess to also having brought sausage rolls from the Spa which was their preferred preference but for some unknown reason they thought might be mildly unpopular with us).  It had a lovely garden area, quirky furnishing and lots of games and toys to keep the kids amused. However, save room for a icecream from the Hive Beach Café on Burton Bradstock beach which is well worth braving the middle class bunfight for. 

The lovely outdoor seating area

I know it would be covered in banana within 5 seconds of coming through the door but I still lust after a pink sofa!

The SPA defintely wpouldn't have offered Kinfolk with the sausage rolls.

Burton Bradstock

Burton Bradstock beach is definitely worth going along the coast too.  It was used as a location in Broadchurch so is a good spot to go and close your eyes and pretend David Tennant is your husband, but it's real attraction is the Hive Beach Cafe which is justifiably popular offering a winning mix of great breakfasts, delicious cakes and ice cream from a hut out of the back.  Although prepare yourself for having to fight off middle class children called Freya who are trying to queue jump you in a bid to get a mango and pistachio sorbet first. The beach also comes with the added bonus of a National Trust Car Park which you can use for free and thus convince yourself that you have totally got your value for money from your £15 a month National Trust membership despite not having been near a Stately Home in 7 months.

Back at the holiday house once we had got the kids to bed of an evening we would settle down for a couple of rounds of traditional family favourite “In the Bag”.  As we headed home, sad to leave behind our contemporary coastal country pile, we were all left trying to erase from our memories my husband’s attempted mime of Julian Assange which involved leaping out from behind a curtain whilst thrusting his crotch and dangling a wire. Sexual assault allegations, diplomatic asylum and data leaks are, admittedly, a tough combination to act out through mime.

How do I book?

The property we stayed at is available through Air BnB.